Travel Days 3 & 4

Day 3: had me traveling from the bay area to central california to see
my brother who I had not seen in about 19 years.

Day 4: I left my hotel and the small little community. The weather was
completely fogged in and I could barely see. It was a tough challenge
to find the place as I did not have correct directions and I couldn't
see any street signs. I was very anxious as my appointment time was
nearing and I did not want to be late and screw it up. Luckily, I found the
place and after going through their rules and screens, made my way
through a couple of gates and followed the yellow lines to the building
where I would see my brother. As I walked up to the guards desk, I saw
the window/seat area of where I might be sitting. I glanced over that
direction and saw my brother for the first time since January 1989. He
was on the other side of a small window, sitting in a chair, waiting for
me. When we both made eye contact, we simultaneously gasped in suprise
and then smiled. I think I stopped dead in my tracks for a few seconds
and just watched him, looked at him. He brought both hands to his
cheeks and held his face in his hands while he watched me check in with the
guard and then go sit down across from him on the other side of the
window. We were smiling, with tears in our eyes. Then, we picked up the phones and began
talking.

It broke my heart to see how he has aged, how much older and worn he
looks. I had to fight from crying and crying. He made it easier when he
smiled and I could see his young, goofy, and silly smile. He made it
easier when he spoke of his day and what it comprises and how he has his
own "projects" he works on. I heard his mental strength! I didn't see a
fighter necessarily, but someone who has accepted his fate and
responsibility, accepted the consequences and conditions and makes the best of
each day until he will walk free in the world again. He smiled and
looked at me with pride, love and appreciation. I brought the 10 photos I
was allowed to bring and intermittenly showed them to him; ones of he
and our brother when they were under 5 years of age, one of he and I when
I was maybe 1 and he 6; a couple of his father and myself...shining
bright with the blue lake of tahoe in the background; and one of the
family of 5 that used to be; the one and only photo I have of all of us
together.
He said, "this is like a milestone...you coming out here and going
through all the hassel to get here". He spoke of when he would be free
again and the things he would want to do.
This IS a milestone; a milestone of being more in relationship with one
who shares my blood. For a long time, I turned my back on him and
forgot about him. For years, I did not write. For a while, he did not know
where to find me. Its through our intermitten correspondence over the
last 4 years or so that we have come to a place where I felt like I
wanted to visit; to a place in my heart where I did not feel angry or
ashamed about him, but more compassionate, understanding, and merciful. He
said to me, through tears, "we are lucky. We still get to be breathing".
And he is right. He is so right.