Tuesday, January 29, 2008

i am not perfect

it's not easy to see things about myself I don't like. especially when it has an affect on another. sometimes, it's excruciating. but, in some ways, it feels kinda good to see the "darkness".
Silently, I thought to myself today...
"yeah, I guess I can be an asshole too."

Friday, January 25, 2008

The In-Between

I know my recent posts have been more on the heavier side, so I wanted to also share about the other parts of my trip to the BAY AREA.
On day two, I saw an old, wonderful friend and took a new friend to lunch. KELLY and I went to PALIO d'ASTI for a wonderful lunch. We gabbed and ate. The first good food I had eaten in a few days.

Later on Day 2, again, I met up with that old friend I had seen earlier. I met her at her house, visited with her and her husband and had a wonderful time. She put out crackers, bread, cheeses, and fine wine and we easily talked like we had seen each other last week instead of many, many years ago. Those kind of connections are PRICELESS. I had my own room to sleep in and slept soundly in this bed that was more like a cocoon. What a pleasure. After morning coffee, she and I went out for breakfast and then into an awesome grocery store...I swear, it seems like CALIFORNIA is the only place that has AWESOME grocery stores. I miss that...We went into a PEETS and I got a coffee for my long drive ahead to central california.

After the visit with my bro on day 4, I drove back to San Francisco and checked in at the WESTIN @ Market St.
It was my 1 night treat...damn if I don't love a good hotel!!

I had some free time to myself before meeting up with some old friends for dinner. I needed it so I could sorta settle down from the big visit. I decided I would go visit a coffeehouse i used to frequent years ago. FARLEY'S is a cafe in the POTRERO HILL neighborhood of SF. A quaint area with just a few businesses and incredible views of the surrounding city. I went back there because long ago they had these old community journals you could write in. The journals were always kept at the cafe. I wrote in many of them and at one point, i had written about someone I had once loved intimately and out loud. I found those old pages and was comforted by their remaining existence. Some things are just nice to find.....

After my jaunt to Farley's, I walked down the block to one of my favorite restaurants, APERTO where I met 4 good pals and enjoyed cocktails, wine, dinner, laughter and goodness. Afterwards, I went back to my hotel and looked out my grand window and out into the city where I was born. My wide window gave clear views of all the blinking and stimulating lights below...gave me that same sort of AWE feeling I had days earlier as I walked along the Embarcadero. A thought and song came to me that was one of my mother's favorite...."i left my heart in San Francisco...."
Sing it, Tony!!!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Travel Days 3 & 4

Day 3: had me traveling from the bay area to central california to see
my brother who I had not seen in about 19 years.

Day 4: I left my hotel and the small little community. The weather was
completely fogged in and I could barely see. It was a tough challenge
to find the place as I did not have correct directions and I couldn't
see any street signs. I was very anxious as my appointment time was
nearing and I did not want to be late and screw it up. Luckily, I found the
place and after going through their rules and screens, made my way
through a couple of gates and followed the yellow lines to the building
where I would see my brother. As I walked up to the guards desk, I saw
the window/seat area of where I might be sitting. I glanced over that
direction and saw my brother for the first time since January 1989. He
was on the other side of a small window, sitting in a chair, waiting for
me. When we both made eye contact, we simultaneously gasped in suprise
and then smiled. I think I stopped dead in my tracks for a few seconds
and just watched him, looked at him. He brought both hands to his
cheeks and held his face in his hands while he watched me check in with the
guard and then go sit down across from him on the other side of the
window. We were smiling, with tears in our eyes. Then, we picked up the phones and began
talking.

It broke my heart to see how he has aged, how much older and worn he
looks. I had to fight from crying and crying. He made it easier when he
smiled and I could see his young, goofy, and silly smile. He made it
easier when he spoke of his day and what it comprises and how he has his
own "projects" he works on. I heard his mental strength! I didn't see a
fighter necessarily, but someone who has accepted his fate and
responsibility, accepted the consequences and conditions and makes the best of
each day until he will walk free in the world again. He smiled and
looked at me with pride, love and appreciation. I brought the 10 photos I
was allowed to bring and intermittenly showed them to him; ones of he
and our brother when they were under 5 years of age, one of he and I when
I was maybe 1 and he 6; a couple of his father and myself...shining
bright with the blue lake of tahoe in the background; and one of the
family of 5 that used to be; the one and only photo I have of all of us
together.
He said, "this is like a milestone...you coming out here and going
through all the hassel to get here". He spoke of when he would be free
again and the things he would want to do.
This IS a milestone; a milestone of being more in relationship with one
who shares my blood. For a long time, I turned my back on him and
forgot about him. For years, I did not write. For a while, he did not know
where to find me. Its through our intermitten correspondence over the
last 4 years or so that we have come to a place where I felt like I
wanted to visit; to a place in my heart where I did not feel angry or
ashamed about him, but more compassionate, understanding, and merciful. He
said to me, through tears, "we are lucky. We still get to be breathing".
And he is right. He is so right.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Day 2, Part 3

are you keeping up yet?

So. Yes, I went into church. St Leander's Church. It's where I went many times as a child, sometimes with mom and sometimes, it was just us kids. We went every Sunday for a long time. We would walk about 3/4-1 mile to the place, dressed in Sunday nice clothes. We only wore Sunday BEST on holidays. I really enjoyed attending church; i really liked the 2 pastors who were there for a long time, i loved the music and singing, i loved the rituals and the "togetherness" of it all. I took some things from the sermons and left the rest. The place is a good size and there is a stunning, large crucifix straight ahead as soon as you walk in the doors. It still captivates me til this day. I was a bit surprised to find myself there mid-day last Thursday, but that's where I was. I opened the doors and immediately, the smell came over me. I don't even quite now how to describe it except to say it's the church smell. it is sort of musty. I love the smell..how familiar it is....
I was completely alone for a while. Slowly, I walked to the candle area and found the lone unlit candle. I lit it for mom and grandma, slid a donation into the slot and then sat. I felt so calm, peaceful and right where I needed to be. I've had so many memories in that church...like the images i kept seeing at my old house, i saw images of past days in the church....all of us sitting in the light-wooden pews, me looking around and up at the ceiling and counting the grids up above...seeing a girl from my school get up and do one of the readings and feeling jealous. Why did SHE get to do it. Seeing the long lines for communion and wine.....
I'm so glad I stopped in, said hello and felt welcome.
Next stop was the cemetery where mom and grandma are buried...
As mentioned previously, I stopped at the little flower shop and picked up some carnations. I drove across the street and found the grave without any difficulty. There are 2 flower containers and they were full of gross water and debris which I had to clean out. gosh..that has got to be one of the WORST smells ever!! uugghh!! I cleaned it out and put the pretty & fresh carnations in and then sat on the damp grass. I looked around and it was a gorgeous day! Sun shining, blue skies, temperature probably high 60's. I talked a little bit, but mostly, I just sat and took in the moment. And then, I broke out my iPod and clicked on a "I CAN'T HELP MYSELF", by THE FOUR TOPS. I had one earphone on my ear and the other one very close to the grave. I hit PLAY. I sang, danced and smiled. It was wonderful.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Day 2 Travels, Parts 1 & 2

Part 1: Woke up to a glorious day in San Francisco. WOW. I got in my rental car and headed into downtown to meet up with a couple of friends. As I pulled out of the hotel parking lot and onto HWY 101, all I could do was smile. It was probably 60 degrees and sunny and bright. Not a cloud in the sky. AAAAHHHH. As I was driving, the San Francisco Bay was to my right and I was just awed at the incredible weather...I could see clear across the water and over to the hills in the EAST BAY. These are the days, I thought. These are the days why people pay to live here....WOW.
I parked my car along the EMBARCADERO and walked over to the wonderful Ferry Building
If you have never been to SF, please make sure when you go that you make this spot a MUST-SEE.
An amazing, delightful, and intoxicating display of artisan cheeses, flowers, wines, fresh organic produce, mouth-watering deli display cases, and of course, PEETS. If you are at Peets, you can sit and look outside to the Bay or get up and walk outside to the pier. And of course, on a day like today, quite intoxicating and breath-taking. As I walked along the Embarcadero and Ferry Building, I felt injected with all the romance that has been absent from my soul. This place can certainly do it for you!
I went into PEETS and got my standard small coffee. AHHH...the wait has been worth it. Of course, I do order Peets online to drink at home, but there isn't anything quite like a cup of Peets AT Peets!! With cup in hand, I slowly made my way outside and through some downtown streets to meet up with an old friend.

Part 2: By late afternoon, I left the city and drove across the Bay Bridge towards the city I spent most of my younger years in: SAN LEANDRO Just the driving alone started to bring back so many memories. Even though I continue to visit the bay area, it's been many years since i drove on the highways that would lead to my early home. I drove past exits I had forgot the names of, drove passed the exit to my high school and then the exit that would lead me into San Leandro. This small city was never anything to brag or write home about..it was dull, basic, and not very attractive. Trees are almost non-existent and a very hum-drum sort of energy always seemed to permeate the place. I had NEVER liked telling people i lived there...it was like saying you lived no-where. There was nothing that stood out about the place and even if you live in the bay area, you would often not know about the city.
BUT...somehow during this trip...this sort of "pilgrimage", my thoughts changed. almost drastically so. I drove along the streets very slowly...with delicate and sacred intention as if i was paying my deepest respects. I was! I went into the 7-Eleven I frequented as I would walk to my elementary school. I bought a disposable camera and went on towards my little house, the duplex we had lived in. Driving towards it, I passed so many houses I remembered from long ago...homes I had on my paper routes! They looked so much bigger back in 1980!! I made the block and saw the carport of where we used to park our car: a maroon VW SQUAREBACK
It looked almost exactly the same. Old, dumpy, and worn. The entire duplex looked the same with the exception of some bars across the windows (this location is just on the border of OAKLAND/SAN LEANDRO. enough said)
I got out of the car and took a couple of photos and thought to myself; "shit, i hope i don't get shot!"
Amazingly enough, across the street this one building was still standing although it did look like the biz was not operating. The places' sign was still displayed: TROY's TIRE SERVICE. A black man and his son operated that business and were our friends. They frequently patched our car or bicycle tires and let us just hang around. I wonder what happened to 'ole Troy and his son....I stood and looked at our old place for a while. I thought I would be sad, but I really wasn't. I just sort of reminisced and flashed back to when we had parties in the car port and when my sister and I would hose ourselves in the summer and then lay on the sloped cement driveway and dry ourselves...our cheeks then getting indentations from the surface as our hair dried and we lay there peacefully. I saw images of playing touch football in the street with my 2 brothers and uncle...us all pretending to be the NFL players of the time; Brian Sipe, Walter Payton, Terry Bradshaw. Soon....I came out of my reminiscing and returned to my vehicle and towards my next stop: church.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Day 1 of Travels

Delta flight 69 was all set to leave atlanta at 5:10 pm bound for SF0.
Just prior to getting on the plane, I could see the 39 degree temps
outside had started to produce the slightest of snow flurries! Yep! Not
too common in atlanta. No biggee, I thought. We board the plane and
settle in and its about 5:20 pm. Captain comes across the intercom: "good
evening, folks. It looks like we are gonna need to de-ice the plane
before take-off. We are in line to get to the de-icing pad. It will be a
little bit of a process, but we don't expect too long of a delay. We will
keep you updated."
Next time I look at the time it is now 6pm. I call KELLY kelly to let her
know I may not be making it to her house to see her and her mom when after
I land, as we had planned. I am disappointed and getting ancy sitting
for all this time already! To TRINTY'S delight, there are 2 kids
nearby who are playing cards with their father and yelling and screaming in
a language I don't understand. Oh fun!! The crew then puts the
in-flight movie on to entertain us, which thankfully, it did. It is now 8pm. 3
hours past our scheduled take off time. Captain comes on again and says
we will have about another HOUR before take off. Moans, groans, and
looks of disbelief all around. I guess the airport people operate the
same as atlanta drivers when weather conditions are less than perfect:
they freak out and don't know what the hell to do. We finally get the hell
off the ground at 9:30pm. 4 hours and 20 minutes later of just sitting
on the freaking plane!! UUGGHH. Another 4 1/2 hours to go and I would
arrive at my destination. Sitting down for this period of time was
excruciating for me!!!
Next stop: baggage claim. So, its like 11:20 west coast time when we
land and I go to get my bag. The plane had been big and lots of people we
waiting. We were the only folks at baggage claim. The carousel is
already moving and soon some bags come out. And then the thing stops. Then
it starts and spits out a few more bags. Then it stops again. Uugghh!
What the hell?
Finally, it gets on a roll. Bags and bags come out, but not mine. More
and more people leave and soon there is just few of us waiting. Then,
the carousel/belt stops. We wait and wait and it FINALLY gets going
after. And then, FINALLY I see my bag and head off to the airtrain rail to
go over to the car rental area. By this time it is after midnight and
I'm thinking no one will be in line for a car and I will just breeze on
through and get to my hotel. WRONG!!!!!
There were 2 sets of people in the Hertz line when I arrived. Dad and
daughter at the counter. They looked like they were going on a
serious/camping excursion. The lone Hertz agent seemed to be asking them a lot
of questions. They did not have a reservation and so it was taking
longer to get them situated. Ok, finally they are done and now father and
son duo are at the counter. They don't have a reservation either!
Father to agent (in some sort of accent): "you have ford explorer?"
Agent: "let me check. No, no Ford explorer. You want Higlander? Its
bigger than explorer."
F: "no, I want explorer"
Ok. After a bit, he accepted the fact they did not have any explorers.
She proceeds to ask him if he wants all these other cars. She gives
them the model names and he wants to know who makes them. She doesn't know
and has to call somewhere to ask someone else. He also wants to see
pictures. She tries to explain to him there are no pictures of the cars
being discussed because they are new. This whole process goes on and on
and on. Back and forth. On and on. I look to my left and see no other
people in any other car rental lines. I look to my right and its the
same scene: empty. We are the only ones around.
Finally, he settles on a car and gets the hell on his way.
Finally, I get my car and get the hell on my way which is about 5
minutes away to the hotel where I am staying. Why did I get a car since the
hotel was so close??? Well, remember that I was suppossed to arrive at
7:30pm and I had plans to see clients at their house and then go to my
hotel!!
I checked in without any fanfare and promptly took a shower and got in
bed. I looked at the digital clock: 1:30am PST, 4:30 EST.
What a day!
Thankfully, Day 2 was much, much better. Stay tuned!

Sunday, January 13, 2008

My Upcoming Visit

In just a few days, I will see you both. It’s been a long time. About 7+ years. Too long. I know. It’s not easy to get to where you are from where I am...
I wonder what it’s like for the 2 of you, so close together. Hell, right on top of one another. Did you see it coming? Did you anticipate that it would be the 2 of you that would occupy such a small space? I wonder if it has made your tense, tumultous relationship any better. Even as a small one, I saw the anger and oh, all the resentment and bitterness between the two of you. Of course, I didn’t understand. I still don’t quite FULLY get it, but I gather there must have been a lot of decisions and choices made on both your parts that deeply hurt and disappointed the other. I hope there has been some reconciliation and forgiveness during these 7+ years that ya’ll have now been reunited. And I hope there has been some laughter about some of the good times you shared. No doubt, there have been tears. Healing tears, I hope.
When I used to visit long ago, I had to take a bus, then BART, then another bus just to get to you. Boy, I’m sure glad I don’t have to do that anymore. I will have a vehicle and as I drive close, I will stop across the street at the standard flower shop and pick out some carnations; my staple for these visits. I doubt I have ever brought anything else, have I? I will make the short drive along the windy path that leads to your place. I will walk around a bit before finding the exact spot...all I know is that you are near a lone tree and a water spigot. I will find ya’ll and I will sit. I will be quiet and listen for a bit and then I will share about me and what has been happening in my life. I will share of my accomplishments and my struggles, my dreams & my defeats, my memories of all of us, both good and some not so good. And if not too many people are close by, I will sing. I downloaded some songs off itunes that were some of your favorites. I love to sing them. They make me happy. So, I hope to sing for you, too. And, I’m sure I will cry, so just be ready for it. Put out some tissues, will you?
Before I go, I will lean close and kiss you good-bye and I will hope what I always do: that you are proud of the person I have become.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

a couple of things

that bug me or i just plain don't get:

1) when people say, "GET OVER IT"
2) when people say, "LIGHTEN UP"
3) when I go to a coffeehouse and walk up to the counter and the person waiting on me JUST LOOKS AT ME...doesn't smile, doesn't ask, "can i help you" or "what would you like." JUST STARES AT ME....UM HELLO...I am YOUR customer, coming into YOUR establishment
4) when people constantly gossip about others
5) when people talk on and on about themselves, especially in groups
6) when people talk on the cell phone and TRY TO ORDER COFFEE at the SAME TIME (THEN, in THIS case, the barista can be rude)
7) when i continue to wear socks with holes in them (AND I HAVE NEW ONES I HAVE NOT PUT ON YET)

Friday, January 11, 2008

dining out

How disappointing last nights dining out excursion turned out to be. When
I left my office at about 6:30, I was undecided where or what to eat. I
started driving and remembered that I have been hankering for a baked
potato..and so I decided to go to OUTBACK! I rarely go but when I do, I
love it because I love baked potatoes and I loved their chopped salad
with blue chz and steak. I got seated immediately and ordered these
items mentioned above, along with a magarita on the rocks with salt.
I also ordered the potato with cheese and butter.
So. I was going over some work paperwork and the food was delivered. I
didn't even really look at it cuz I was absorbed in what I was doing.
When I finally did take a break to eat, I saw the salad did not match up
to previous experiences. Just did not look all that appetizing. When I
went to cut up the steak on top, it was EXTREMELY tough!! I was
already sore in my shoulder area and iit got worse from trying to cut the
damn steak. I looked over at my potato and saw that it had butter and sour
cream on it. ICK!! SOUR CREAM!!! NO WAY! Not for this girl.
I politely told my waitress that was not what I wanted so she brought
me the correct order, although she did not even APOLOGIZE! When it did
arrive at my table, it too, did not look to appetizing. Not sure what
happened here tonite but the food looked like it had been in the kitchen
for about 2 days before arrival to my table.
At least the margarita was good.
Maybe I should just shut up and be grateful I am able to afford to eat
a meal out or even be able to eat at all for that matter.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Quirks

Part of me is very quirky. Here is what is looks like: I have a nice,
digital alarm clock but don't use it. Instead I use a very small and
plain, regular one that is an AA battery operated alarm clock.
I have had a new beautiful cutting board for about a year that I have
never used. Instead, I elect to continue to use one small and one larger
white ones that are quite mediocre.
I have about 6 Peets coffee bags in my fridge, however more than half of
those have just a few miniscule grounds left in them. I leave a little
and then I open a new bag. Why can't I just finish the one and throw
the bag away? Is this an attachment issue. (Also, there is more coffee
in my fridge than anything else)
Currently, on my coffee table, I have an unopened 1lb box of Sees Candies, NUTS & CHEWS (my favorite). It was a xmas gift and remains unopened.
Man...i must have some will power.

what are your quirky ways...?

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

A Season Ends

Well......the mighty Browns did not get into the playoffs. As mentioned in previous post, they had their own opportunity to win 2 weeks ago and lost a very winnable game. Watching the Colts vs Titans on Sunday evening was painful. All i have to say about that game is 2 things: 1) COLTS fan should be very grateful Peyton is healty because the back-up guy, Sorgi, is ATROCIOUS. 2) TITANS BARELY won the game against 2nd & 3rd string players for Colts. By all rationale, San Diego will pounce on Titans on Sunday.
Of course, I was so bummed while watching the game...knowing as each minute ticked off the play clock, the Browns season and my fun as a following fan was dwindling...

Now, for the positive side: finishing record was 10-6, best since 1994!!!
And I think the following comments sum it up:

Despite the obvious disappointment, the players said they aren't hanging their heads Monday.
"I'm shocked with 10 wins we're not in the playoffs but it is what it is," receiver Joe Jurevicius said. "We're not going to cry over spilled milk.
"I can sit here today with a smile because we did things the right way and when things are done in the right way it pays big dividends and it did that for us this year. Ultimately our goal of going to the playoffs didn't materialize but you have to be proud.
"This was a pretty good football year. It has been one of the most fun seasons I've had as a professional."


I'm also still looking forward to the playoffs. Who am i gonna root for now:
Here are the teams I am rooting for in order:
GREEN BAY PACKERS
WASHINGTON REDSKINS

It'd be pretty cool to see Brett Farve win a SuperBowl!

Thanks to all the Browns players who made this season super fun to watch. See ya in Fall 2008!!