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His gangily wobbly head rested on my shoulder
His eyelids were closed, intermittenly fluttering
Beneath the robe was his body, a body i had laid next to for 34 years
I knew every crevice, every man made and non man made mark
I knew which parts worked well
Which ones didn’t
I knew his body as well as my own
Yet, I am not the owner
I am not the inhabitor
So although I, too, have a long history with this body
I know not what it feels,
i don’t know the violent spasms and convulsions
I don’t know the painful, relentless bouts of vomitting or
The panic driven breakdowns that make him flail about in a daze
Hurting himself
Sometimes,
Hurting me

Touching his forehead with my fingers
i am taken back to a time
when this head was between my legs, silently moving to give me sweet pleasure
To a time when this head poked through my 3rd floor apartment, bringing me chinese food when i couldn’t step away myself
I am lost in the memories when this man fought for me to return to him
That bitter fight on the corner that changed my life
Begging me to stay, to give us another chance
And such is our history,
34 years later,
and
what i know is
this head on my shoulder
The eyelids fluttering
The soft, quiet breath of his mouth
So close to mine lets me know his life

And, on this quiet rainy night
As the teardrops slide down my cheeks,
I am begging him to stay

Just Something

This blogging thing is interesting, isn’t it. I mean, now, there are a clan of folks who frequent each other's blogs and have been for a while. We begin to have a small window into each others lives. Some share more openly than others and everyone is unique in their own way. We all seem to have these "personalities" via the blogging sites and it certainly makes me curious as to how close to real life these personalities actually are. It's strange…all we have are our posts and comments which, of course, we make and then those are completely open to interpretation by the reader. It's just interesting…I am simply making obvservations about the whole thing. I'm struck by how, like in real physical life, there are blogs I am drawn to and those I am not and I cannot really say why. Just like people…sometimes you meet someone and you connect and sometimes not and you can't really put a finger on a reason why. I think the neat part is that as we have grown to learn more about one another, there is a caring element. When someone is having a shitty day, the comments seem very sincere. And when someone has a happy report, we all cheer. It's neat. It feels real.

At my desk

As I was at my desk today, I had a 1/2 eaten powerbar sitting on my desk.
This collegue of mine walked past my desk and just picked up my half-eaten still wrapped powerbar and was reading the contents.
It cracks me up. Now that I have gotten to know him, this does not bother me. I can totally see where it would bother most people…his lack of boundaries…but he is such a goof, a 50+ year old cool goof, that I just have to laugh.

questions for the great void

This week, I have had to navigate some murky waters where my ego and pride are concerned. It has not been pretty, easy or fun. It has been humbling, ugly and startling. It has also been beneficial.
All the while, I have been mulling over some questions…

How does one show confidence, but not cockiness?
How does one show ambition but not plow people over?
How does one show assertiveness, but not bitchiness?
How is one serious/focused, but not aloof?

And are these answers different for men and women?

gobble, gobble..

UH-OH

I just figured out how to play this at work. YIKES.

One of my favorite games!!



And you know what? I'll take any of you on!! :)

Scandalous

An incredibly well acted film. How awesome it was to see these ladies in action. Hope you will make some time for a good flick. Grab some corn and take a seat in your neaby theater.

How refreshing to see some good films of late.. This one and THE QUEEN. Another incredible acting performance by Helen Mirren.

VENT

I know I have griped about this before, but

IT REALLY FREAKING BOTHERS ME WHEN PEOPLE DON’T FREAKING LISTEN.
AUUUUUGHHHHHHH.

This is truly probably one of the biggest things that annoys the hell out of me.

Sorry, just had to vent.


uuuuughghghghgghhgh

Beans

When I was an elementary school kid, I recall a project we had to do. A CREATIVE project, which at the time scared the crap out of me. (today, still makes me very anxious as I have never beem creative in the traditional way) Anyway, I must have been about 7 years old and we were to make something using a piece of cardboard and colored beans. We could make anyhing we wanted. Well, it comes as not surprise to me now, but the thing I created out of my colored beans was simply the word, BEST…big enough to cover the cardboard piece that was approximately 8x10.
I loved it. I wish I still had it, but I have no idea what happened to it…must have gotten lost during one of my 35 moves! HA!

Well, I want to say that while I am sure I cannot specifically tell you why I chose that particular word the, my guess is that I wanted to be the BEST. I wanted to excel. I wanted to stand out. I wanted to shine. And I still do. But here is the thing. I have never wanted to do this with the mindset that I was going to beat everyone else. Wanting to be the best a has never been about being better than anyone else, but being the BEST that I can be…the best AFUNTANILLA. I have a determination that eats away at me…that bothers me and pushes me. Some folks may think I need to relax, but you know what…that is not what my life is about….relaxing. My life is about searching and trying to be better…a better person. A better friend, co-worker, employee, athlete, etc… My life is about searching because I never want to settle. I never want to be complacent or accept something from myself that is less than I am capable of. I think I have a healthy ego, but my desire comes from a humble place. And my hope is that if I can improve upon myself and be the best AFUNTANILLA I can be, then I will have much to offer you. YOU. Whoever YOU are.

Damn, I really wish I had my little piece of art.

HELP

So, I get to work this morning..and there is a round tin on my desk with a card. I'm thinking to myself, "who left me a gift? That is strange…" I open the card and see who it is from and I say, "oh NO".

Begrudgingly, I open the tin and look inside for what I already know is there….A BIG TIN OF COOKIES.
If you don't know why this is a problem, see my sidebar January resolution. AAAUGGGGHHHH!

I completely forgot that during the holiday I had asked a co-workers mom to make these cookies for me becaause they are some of the best I have ever tasted…an oatmeal with chocolate chips. So freaking yummy. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?


***update** ok. i had 1 because a sweet woman made them especially for me. I am gonna freeze all the rest and save til February. thx for all the input! :)