This week, I have had to navigate some murky waters where my ego and pride are concerned. It has not been pretty, easy or fun. It has been humbling, ugly and startling. It has also been beneficial.
All the while, I have been mulling over some questions…
How does one show confidence, but not cockiness?
How does one show ambition but not plow people over?
How does one show assertiveness, but not bitchiness?
How is one serious/focused, but not aloof?
And are these answers different for men and women?
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11 comments:
All are great questions to which I have no answer. But, I think the answers are definitely different for men than they are for women, and are dependent upon which gender is perceving said actions. I think the true answer is that you can't be everything to everyone. Reguardless of what you do, there are those who will misinterpret your actions and motives.
thanks for the thoughts, ZOE. good points
I'll be back with something more later, but for now, I do agree with Zoe that unfortunately, there is a gender component here. Women have it much tougher and have to navigate the proverbial waters much more carefully.
The first thing that came to mind in terms of confidence versus cockiness is that to me, confidence is quiet assurance and cockiness is loud insecurity. It's being inner-directed versus outer-directed, if that makes any sense.
Great questions, AF, but I'm sorry that they were prompted by difficulty for you.
I'll write more later.
Okay, it's a bit later. :)
This may sound a bit "New Agey", but I think your questions come down to the intention you hold.
For example, being ambitious because your intention is to be your best, to push yourself and to strive for a higher goal for you and your company, is very different than being ambitious as a way to prove something to someone else or be better than someone else.
I can't be much help on the assertiveness versus bitchiness one. I need to learn to be more assertive. This one is most definitely gender related. All I can say again is, keep your intention at the forefront.
How I've handled serious and focused versus aloof comes down to separating my job and its particular duties and the rest of my interactions at work. When it comes to my work, I am focused and serious. I don't get involved in all the politics of other peoples' dramas but I'm friendly. People have come to view me as both serious and focused and friendly. It's definitely a balancing act, but it's doable.
Good luck!
I disagree, I don't think gender has as much to do with all of these inquiry's as much as how the particular actions are being perceived. We have little (but some) control over whether someone is inspired by us or feels crushed by us- it has to do with the other person's insecurities. A confident,secure individual will recognize confidence in another person and not confuse it with cockiness.
Men of course know how to be assertive -no problem, but a confident, strong woman will be able to recognize if he's showing confidence or cockiness. Bottom line?... communicate to others the way you would like to be communicated to.
I come across as being aloof quite often- it sucks, but whatever. I can always clear up my intentions. Sorry you had a humbling week.
This is a difficult one and I had some problems with this when I first started working in construction.
The thing is to be true to yourself. If you know your shit, you know your shit. Cut and dried. That's not cockiness or bitchiness.
I've learned to look everyone in the eye when I talk and have no hidden agenda.
I think the difference between confidence and cockiness is in the way one relates to people. You can be confident yet humble and down to earth. When someone starts thinking they're better or above others, then it crosses into cockiness, IMO.
Actually, I think all of this goes back to how you treat others around you, and interact with them. Doing it in a down to earth manner, with warm, genuine interactions with others keeps it in the positive, IMO.
I think it is different for men and women, mainly because it's a different internal power/energy combination that we have. In general, based on my experiences (I've always worked with a large majority of women), women approach things more emotionally than men, thinking about how the other person might feel or react.
This is tough territory. (and a very wordy reply)
I think confidence is a matter of certainty, and when people are cocky they often still need approval.
Assertiveness is knowing what you want, people often have problems with women who speak their minds. But you have no control over how others perceive that.
Being aloof brings to mind, to me, a lack of concern for others whereas being focused is having a goal in mind and wanting to acheive it.
These answers are often different depending on the sex of the person. When is the last time someone called a man a bitch because he was assertive. It's expected. Men are called bitches when they are perceived as 'weak'.
I agree with Maggie. If you look people in the eye and don't have an agenda, it's easier to navigate the waters but still dangerous.
For me, it's very important that I know my own intentions and meanings. That way, if someone says, for instance 'that was a little bitchy', I am able to judge if they are correct or being harsh because I am just more direct than most women. (I hope that was clear.) If you do something in a room of 50 people, you may get 50 differing opinions as to your intent, but the only one who knows is you.
From what I have read, you don't seem aloof at all nor do you seem to want to knock everyone out of the way. You cannot take on everyone else's perceptions. Be good to you and know yourself.
wow. this sure generated a lot of buzz!! thanks for all the various and interesting comments. it's great to get all of your feedback.
regarding most of the questions, i do believe that perception has a lot to do with it. someone's perception may not be anothers and so on.
and i do think, to a certain degree, that gender does play a role, especially in certain professions.
I think you should ask Hillary Clinton.
theresa--u are soo right. i should
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