As I have mentioned before, I do not know my father. All I know is his first and last name. As is typical in my situation, I vacillate between wanting to try to find him and then not wanting to find him. Of course those usual questions arise such as: what will he look like? what will he be like? what will he do? will he turn away? is he a psycho-killer? is he a junkie? is he rich? will he want money from me?? Would he be someone I would want to spend time with? Does he have other children?
And then, of course, i sometimes think “well, why hasn’t he tried to find me?”
Maybe he has.
Maybe be has been unsuccessful since i do not bear his last name. The way the story was told to me by my grandmother was that he and my mother had a parting of the ways after she caught him in bed with another woman. And in spite, my mother gave me my brothers’ father’s last name. Now, listen. I’m not saying that is actually what happened. This is the story i was told by grandma who had a propensity to tell stories, and which i frequently questioned. However, knowing how much pride my mother had, I would not put it past her to do such a thing. Back then, i never had a choice as to what name i wanted. But, i am actually glad she have me the name i have. it’s much more interesting and always proves difficult for people to pronounce and misspell. And people always think i’m Italian, which i am not. Lots of questions always go through my mind: How am I like him? What physical characteristics do we share? Did I get my althletic ability from him? Would he like me? Would he be proud of me?
Dad. Pop. Daddy. Father. Papa
What would it have been like to grow up with a father? How might my life have been different? Better? Different. I cannot help but wonder how the lack of such a figure in my life has helped shape who i am. I think back to how there was a heavy concentration of men surrounding my early years, and yet not a single one of them was anything close to a father figure. Not a single one of them had qualities i would desire in a father. The men surrounding my life were criminals, drug addicts, thieves, gang members, jobless, and ambition-less. I surely did not look up to the uncle who frequently tried to stick his tongue down my throat or the one who was jobless, still lived with his mother, watched TV all day and sucked down beer after beer all night. I also did not look up to my cousins who were in gangs, hurting people, maybe even killing people, knocking up girls and using drugs. I looked in their eyes, stood in their presence and saw nothing to be proud of, nothing to look up to, nothing to admire, nothing i wanted to be near. Who did i look up to? Who did i admire?
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6 comments:
Thanks for sharing something so personal, AF. Your dilemma about wanting and not wanting to find your father is completely understandable.
I have no doubt that your life would have been different if you had grown up with your father. Would it have been better? Worse? Who knows. Has the lack of that figure shaped who you are? Absolutely. All of our cumulative life experiences shape who we are today. Sometimes these experiences prompt us to examine the things we do, or think or feel and change them. Sometimes they re-affirm them.
For what it's worth, you seem like a pretty terrific person in spite of and because of your experiences.
I cannot imagine not knowing my father -or a family member. I would have to try to find them, have to know. But, that's just me.
Thanks for sharing that - even I learned something new about you.
I know of my father. I know where he is and he knows where I am...yet, we are strangers.
I'm not sure which is worse.
For better or worse, all your figures helped shape the person you've become and continue to be.
Sometimes we are stronger because we have seen human weakness and frailty in our childhood. Some of my uncles and cousins on one side of my family were addicts, criminals, molesters, abusers; you name it. But as such, they were excellent examples of what I did not want to be and would never become.
I have made certain to keep certain things out of my life. I move deliberately in that way. My whole family knows and respects that I do not use drugs. I work hard and don't look for the easy out. I am grateful for that lesson.
I wish it could have been different. I wish I did not bear these scars, but I do. And they help me navigate certain waters very carefully.
I wish you knew your father, just so that you had a face or voice to go with the name. But, it seems to me that it's not your loss but his. Often, we come out whole in spite of all of the trials.
Peace to you. {{ }}
I think most of us who were either adopted or don't know a parent have a myriad of "what ifs", I know I do.
With today's technology it's very easy to search, and there are some great resources online if you choose to, along with various registries.
One thing though, before you do (if you do). Be very sure that you're ready for the rejection, even if there's an initial meeting. Also, be clear in your head what it is you want out of it. My story is not one of the happy reunion ones, rejection of me with all parties involved. I know my birth father has other kids. I'm choosing not to contact them. I don't want yet another round of the rejection.
i did a birth search in 1989 and located my bdad, bmom, older bsister, younger half sister, and younger bbrother. my a family are my 'real' family, and my b family are people who i met and learned about their lives. i actually have very little to do with them now. my bdad passed away in 1994 and we had a good few years. my younger siblings have not tried to connect with me, and my bmom is a nut. my older b sister and i have tried to build a relationship, but something always screws it up, sometimes with me, sometimes with her, but we never seem to get beyond it, so it is simpler to back off.
i am who i am because of how i was raised and how i have lived my life, so far. it hasn't always been easy, but it is mine and i accept what comes. take care and i hope that you find whatever you are searching for. poet
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