Just Something

This blogging thing is interesting, isn’t it. I mean, now, there are a clan of folks who frequent each other's blogs and have been for a while. We begin to have a small window into each others lives. Some share more openly than others and everyone is unique in their own way. We all seem to have these "personalities" via the blogging sites and it certainly makes me curious as to how close to real life these personalities actually are. It's strange…all we have are our posts and comments which, of course, we make and then those are completely open to interpretation by the reader. It's just interesting…I am simply making obvservations about the whole thing. I'm struck by how, like in real physical life, there are blogs I am drawn to and those I am not and I cannot really say why. Just like people…sometimes you meet someone and you connect and sometimes not and you can't really put a finger on a reason why. I think the neat part is that as we have grown to learn more about one another, there is a caring element. When someone is having a shitty day, the comments seem very sincere. And when someone has a happy report, we all cheer. It's neat. It feels real.

At my desk

As I was at my desk today, I had a 1/2 eaten powerbar sitting on my desk.
This collegue of mine walked past my desk and just picked up my half-eaten still wrapped powerbar and was reading the contents.
It cracks me up. Now that I have gotten to know him, this does not bother me. I can totally see where it would bother most people…his lack of boundaries…but he is such a goof, a 50+ year old cool goof, that I just have to laugh.

questions for the great void

This week, I have had to navigate some murky waters where my ego and pride are concerned. It has not been pretty, easy or fun. It has been humbling, ugly and startling. It has also been beneficial.
All the while, I have been mulling over some questions…

How does one show confidence, but not cockiness?
How does one show ambition but not plow people over?
How does one show assertiveness, but not bitchiness?
How is one serious/focused, but not aloof?

And are these answers different for men and women?

gobble, gobble..

UH-OH

I just figured out how to play this at work. YIKES.

One of my favorite games!!



And you know what? I'll take any of you on!! :)

Scandalous

An incredibly well acted film. How awesome it was to see these ladies in action. Hope you will make some time for a good flick. Grab some corn and take a seat in your neaby theater.

How refreshing to see some good films of late.. This one and THE QUEEN. Another incredible acting performance by Helen Mirren.

VENT

I know I have griped about this before, but

IT REALLY FREAKING BOTHERS ME WHEN PEOPLE DON’T FREAKING LISTEN.
AUUUUUGHHHHHHH.

This is truly probably one of the biggest things that annoys the hell out of me.

Sorry, just had to vent.


uuuuughghghghgghhgh

Beans

When I was an elementary school kid, I recall a project we had to do. A CREATIVE project, which at the time scared the crap out of me. (today, still makes me very anxious as I have never beem creative in the traditional way) Anyway, I must have been about 7 years old and we were to make something using a piece of cardboard and colored beans. We could make anyhing we wanted. Well, it comes as not surprise to me now, but the thing I created out of my colored beans was simply the word, BEST…big enough to cover the cardboard piece that was approximately 8x10.
I loved it. I wish I still had it, but I have no idea what happened to it…must have gotten lost during one of my 35 moves! HA!

Well, I want to say that while I am sure I cannot specifically tell you why I chose that particular word the, my guess is that I wanted to be the BEST. I wanted to excel. I wanted to stand out. I wanted to shine. And I still do. But here is the thing. I have never wanted to do this with the mindset that I was going to beat everyone else. Wanting to be the best a has never been about being better than anyone else, but being the BEST that I can be…the best AFUNTANILLA. I have a determination that eats away at me…that bothers me and pushes me. Some folks may think I need to relax, but you know what…that is not what my life is about….relaxing. My life is about searching and trying to be better…a better person. A better friend, co-worker, employee, athlete, etc… My life is about searching because I never want to settle. I never want to be complacent or accept something from myself that is less than I am capable of. I think I have a healthy ego, but my desire comes from a humble place. And my hope is that if I can improve upon myself and be the best AFUNTANILLA I can be, then I will have much to offer you. YOU. Whoever YOU are.

Damn, I really wish I had my little piece of art.

HELP

So, I get to work this morning..and there is a round tin on my desk with a card. I'm thinking to myself, "who left me a gift? That is strange…" I open the card and see who it is from and I say, "oh NO".

Begrudgingly, I open the tin and look inside for what I already know is there….A BIG TIN OF COOKIES.
If you don't know why this is a problem, see my sidebar January resolution. AAAUGGGGHHHH!

I completely forgot that during the holiday I had asked a co-workers mom to make these cookies for me becaause they are some of the best I have ever tasted…an oatmeal with chocolate chips. So freaking yummy. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?


***update** ok. i had 1 because a sweet woman made them especially for me. I am gonna freeze all the rest and save til February. thx for all the input! :)

Rolling Up My Sleeves...

In 2006, I ran 5 road races. 4 5k's and one out of state Half-Marathon. I purchased approximately 5 pairs of running shoes. I almost ran my 5th marathon, but quit mid-training. I traveled to 2 places I'd never been; Charlotte, NC., & Asheville, NC. I saw an NFL game in Charlotte. I lounged, ran and ate in Asheville where I discovered a great restaurant called Limones. While there on a trail run, I also lost my car key, was locked out in the middle of no where and met a guy with a kind soul who helped this stranded one. I flew to San Francisco and Las Vegas to be with old friends. I joined a group for about 3 months and found new friends. I read more books than I ever have in my life and although I don't think my vocabulary has improved, I am better now at crossword puzzles. I gave flowers. I received flowers. I found a great pal at work. I lost a person who was an inspriation to me only after being in my life for 5 months. He was the first person to come along in like forever who had inspired me. He used to work in my office and now is elsewhere. I took risks in love. I took risks at work. I think I have quit being so full of anger and grief for all I have lost. I saw lots of mediocre and crappy movies like The Break-up, The Lake House, & Inside Man. I saw a few good ones like Bobby, United 93, & Little Miss Sunshine. I poured oodles of money into Stabucks and Peets Coffee. I was gone for awhile and then I came back and you know what, It's nice to see me again!!
Oh, AND…I found neat, neat folks via a place called blogger.com :)

As we head into the new year, I hope to create one of more risk, more adventure & more fun.

For 2007, these are my 3 BIG GOALS

Run a 50 mile race
Ride a 100 mile bike race or ride solo
Take a vacation to Seattle, Vancouver or outside North America

For the Month Of January (Every month, I plan to give up something new)

Give up cookies and candy.

I would love to hear yuor stories and plans!! Cheers

Go Figure

Ok. I have no problem giving money away to a stranger(see previous post) but i get seriously irritated when my change is "stolen" by the freaking vending machines, post office machines, and more recently, the freaking newspaper machines. Very, very irritating. Kinda a funny thing about me. Fifty cents and i'm pissed!! LOL

Santa Shows Up

A couple of weeks ago, I went into a local burrito place after my gym workout. I got in line, ordered my usual burrito and moved on down toward the cashier. As i did so, i noticed there was some playful banter going on behind the counter. I heard the cashier say to another young woman, “you’re just being nice cause you think santa is gonna come visit you”
Other woman says, “shoot, there ain’t no santa.”

This really caught my attention. I looked up and said, “what, you don’t believe in santa.?”
She was caught. She looked up at me and just grinned and shook her head no. “wow. Ah, man, you Gotta believe in Santa” I said.

I paid for my burrito and left.

Of course, this was just a good-natured ribbing/teasing going on. The young woman was african-american with a sweet smile, and couldn’t have been more then 24. I left and kept thinking about her and that i wanted to do something for her before christmas.

Fast forward to this past week. A few days ago I went into the burrito place and talked to the same cashier who had waited on me before. I asked, “do you remember the girl who said she didn’t believe in santa claus?” “Yeah, it was Janet.”

“Is Janet here tonight?”

“No, she’ll be here on Friday.” The woman smiled at me like she knew i was up to something.

Fast forward to yesterday, Friday December 22.

Someone at work had given me a very small palm sized tin with a gift card in it. I took the gift card out and replaced it with a $50 dollar bill and went down to the burrito place.

I saw that Janet was working and there were no customers in line. I went up to the counter and asked, “Are you Janet?”

Looking at me a bit suspiciously, she said quietly, “yeah..”

“Do you remember i came in a couple of weeks ago and you had said you didn’t believe in santa?”

She smiled and blushed a bit and tried to recall the conversation.

“yeah, i think so..did i say that? yeah, i guess i did.”

I looked at her, smiled, and put the tin case on the counter. Sliding it over to her, I said, “well, santa wants you to have this.”

She took the tin, opened it, saw the $50 bill and exclaimed, “oh my god, are you serious!!??!!”

“YEAH” I said

She was laughing, smiling and walked over to my side of the counter and gave me a great big hug. “merry christmas.” I said
We parted from the hug and i pointed to the tin and said, “i hope you can buy something for yourself”

“oh my god, thank you so much. thank you. thank you. thank you.”

Another big hug from Janet.

We wished each other another merry christmas and i left. Once i got outside and out of sight, i let my feelings out...my laughter, my smiles and i jumped up and down. i was so damn happy. i cannot even tell you. my words will never do the moment justice. the look on Janet, a stranger’s face, was so remarkable. She was utterly stunned by the gift, the gesture. She was thrilled. To watch the transformation of her face from the time i walked in until the time i departed was priceless. I was so happy to do this act..to give this gift.

Who knows what the money will be able to buy. Maybe a gift for a child she has? Maybe a gift for a parent? A boyfriend? Herself? I don’t know and it’s not my business to know. I’m just so freaking happy i thought to do this and that i had it to give. It was my pleasure.

And to me, this is what Christmas is about.....

Stocking Stuffer

What I would put in your stockings


Maggie: Hooters Hat, COOL running Shoes

Zoe: hook/bait; piggy bank for alaska

Trin: dance partner, gift card to A&F

Kelly: pre-paid BART card, Pema Chodron's "Start Where You Are"

R.D.: I tunes gift card, 6-pack

Claire: shoe rack, self-care kit with compassion for self

Sassy: memory card for all the pics u take, gift card to STAPLES

Theresa: someone to lock lips with

Storm: courage

Only daughter: lasagna, time

boxes

The assumptions we hold about one another put us in little boxes that limit who
we can be in each others eyes.

It is all too easy to put someone in a box. I think we do it all the time whether we know it or not. We put people in boxes...we probably even put our blog buddies in boxes. It's not right or wrong, it just is. Yet, as we do this, it is easy to KEEP someone in a box. We also put ourselves in boxes, don't we. We use words like, "can't", "not able" etc... We put ourselves in boxes too and it's tough sometimes to get out. My charge for today for anyone who reads this is to take a moment to see what box you have yourself in. What box do you have someone else in? Can you open the box? Could you be willing to see something else? It might be easy, it might not be. But, isn't it worth a go?

Sneaking in

We wanted to get away for the long weekend so we went to a favorite spot; a quaint little town in Marin County, California called MILL VALLEY. One of my absolute favorite spots in the United States. It’s tucked away about 20 minutes north of San Francisco, across the Golden Gate Bridge. To get into downtown, you drive on a windy, one-lane road. There are windy streets all through Mill Valley…streets that go up and up in elevation with trees all around. Wonderful and aromatic Eucalyptus trees fill the streets as one walks along. The downtown consists of just a few streets, more like a square. Most of the shops are independent quaint places that have things you might not find anywhere else. One of my favorite spots is actually a grocery store that also has an incredible wine shop and deli attached. We went in and roamed around and picked out food we would eater later on. Me, my usual, salami and swiss sandwich on a baguette, plain. Perfect. She ordered some other sandwich filled with dressings and such. We perused the wine selection and picked out a 1/2 bottle of chardonnay we would have later on, pre-dinner. The grocery store trip alone was a treat…it felt romantic, it felt special…because as we walked around separately, I would once in a while look up to see what she was looking at…what it was that caught her eye. I love doing that….looking at her when she doesn't know it. Noticing what her hands touch and what she reads…noticing the facial expressions she might make while looking over a particular something.
Anyways, we left the grocery with items in tow and headed up the main street and through the downtown area. Walking up the street and into the neighborhoods, I took a few deep breaths. I love the air here. It always feel fresher, cleaner….on the other side of the hills, lies the pacific ocean. We made our way through a little park and find the STEPS. The 100 or so stairs that mark the Dipsea Trail which is nestled between houses, basically. We climb and climb…noticing the houses along the way and make notes of liking this part or that part of a certain house. After about 1.5 miles up, we find a clearing and had our lunch. It was a clear late September Day and here in Northern California…a perfect temperature that would settle nicely lower as dusk came.
We walked and made the return trip back toward town and then drove to the cottage rental not to far away. We sat on the sofa overlooking the backyard gardnen…the last bit of sunlight sneaking is as we talked of the walk and what we saw…talked of downtown and places we wanted to go and check out…we opened that half bottle of wine, sipped and slowly got ready for our dinner date. She always takes a bit longer than me so I had more time to sit on the sofa and just be…relish in the moment of being in a favorite place with her..the one who makes my heart skip.
We made our way to the restaurant and sat near the open fireplace. She lets me look over the wine list because I know more about wine and she wants me to pick. {I love this, buy the way}. I look across at her and smile inside…she looks lovely sitting there across from me…the dim light shining so perfectly on her skin. The wine comes and we toast. We toast silently, smiling at one another. And I know. I know.

CoffeeHouse Mishap #2

If you have read my post titled http://trippedbyit.blogspot.com/2006/11/stuff.html, you would be familiar with the coffeehouse I have spoken of in the past. I had another mishap this morning. It was actually a bit of a dilemma on whether I would go there or not this morning as I was running late to work. But, I wanted to get something to eat and pick up a WSJ, so I made the stop. This place has the BEST muffins I have ever tasted, but today I passed on them. I ordered a Cinnamon Raisin Bagel with cream cheese to go. I pay for it and then the very nice guy goes away and comes back again and says. "ok. It will be ready in just a few minutes."
(I then realize they must be toasting it which I did not want because I can do it at my office) So, I say: "oh, I don't need that toasted." nice guy says, "oh, I charged you to have it toasted. Sorry about that." Me, "oh, no..that's fine." Nice Guy. "oh, do you want the 40 cents back". "no, that's ok."
So, then I wait for him to give me the bag with the bagel and cream cheese which should have only taken a few seconds….but I wait….and wait and I am thinking why is it taking so long. My state of being is curious, not angry or impatient. I just wait and then I get my bag and realize they PUT THE CREAM CHEESE ON THE UNTOASTED BAGEL. Boy, here's to either me being not specific or me being misunderstood or there is just something going on over at that coffeehouse.

Ahhh........

I love this picture. Simple, Elegant, Beautiful.......




It must be a ladies day in blogland..........

random things..

I collect stamps. I buy new books or sheets and always keep at least one stamp from the pack. The other night I broke out in singing "America the Beautiful" and "The Star Spangled Banner" in my bedroom. It made me realize my (secret) dream would be to sing one of these songs at a major league baseball game. I just love that…the filled stadium on a beautiful warm spring weekend afternoon…all the colors of the crowd. I love those moments and I hate if I go to the game with someone and they make us late and I miss the national anthem. So, yes…I wish I could sing and sing well enough to do such a event, but my voice would have scrambling headed for the exits….so, I keep it in the confines of my house or vehicle….i make coffee alomost every morning at home and then take it to work. But, I don't have a "to-go" mug or container so I just take it in my coffee mug. Yes, it makes it more prone to spills and always by the time I get to work, coffee is cold. I don't know why I just don’t go buy a "to-go" container….i am fine with spending money in casinos, but it takes SO MUCH EFFORT for me to buy things like socks for work. I don’t nearly have enough and even some I have are total mismatch but I wear them anyway because they are same color….i probably have about 50 journals from my past writings... I don't really get people's fascination and adoration of diamonds. I am not attracted to diamonds at all. I've seen folks wedding rings and such and I think to myself "wow, I would NEVER wear that". I have one piece of jewelry that I wear…it is a plain gold signet ring, except I never put my initials on it. I thought it looked better empty. A good friend of mine gave it to me as I graduated from college and dedicated it to me on the inside of the ring. Very cool…. I ate quiche for the first time this past weekend and really liked it….before I started wearing glasses at about age 25, people used to always make comments on how long my eyelashes are….now, no one ever says that….are they not long anymore?

for Mercedes B.

Written 8/31/02

I saw you twice
these past 2 years

The former,
My early December 2000 surprise visit

Rising in the elevator,
I can hardly wait to surprise you
You, who said you’d probably never see me again,
Would be so glad, I thought

Watching TV
in your tiny cluttered apartment
You were expecting someone else --
A regualr, weekend visitor

Feeling the door unlocked, I enter
TV person’s voice filling the room
You, with your back to me, can’t even hear me walk in

Walking in and kneeling down in front of you
I see you are shocked, joyfully shaken
By my enexpected visit
Covering your face with both hands
You gasp and cry
...happy to see my face again

Moving ahead to early September 2001
Just a few weeks shy of my thirteeth birthday
Another visit back home
To see you - celebrate with you

Instead,
A premature phone call
That late night call one always dreads
(something has to be wrong)

On the other end, I know.
My sister’s voice
Quiet
Intermittenly shaking
“...grandma passed away”

Soon enough
I see you once again
My once eager steps now slower
more deliberate
Dreaded, even

You are lying down
Quietly forever asleep
In what I see will be your permanent bed

Not prepared to see you this way
so cold
so still
so “made up” - like a gypsy, as you would say

This scene, so unlike the last one
So devoid of the noise
the smiles
the laughter

This time,
i am the one surprised, shocked
covering my face with both hands
shivering, weeping
remembering the last time i saw you

one time...

>>It wasn’t ALL bad. Of course, it wasn’t. There were a few good memories. I recall such one during Christmas. Actually, some of my most pleasant and joyful memories are those of the biggest and most grand holiday of the year. And because of this simple fact, i might wonder why i, personally, don’t put more of an effort into Christmas...to make it special and memorable for myself. Well, anyway...
It must have been Christmas 1980. NIKE was very popular at that time (when hasn’t it been popular?) But back in 1980, there were true Waffle bottom shoes. They were the coolest. The neatest. And, the shoes that I HAD to have. Not only because I wanted to fit in with the rest of my 5th grade classmates, but because I wanted them badly and I rarely wanted anything, much less voiced the desire.
Considering we were what they call a “low income family”, I had little hope I would actually get the shoes. I knew it was one of the most expensive things and the possibility of me receiving them was slim. Oh, have i mentioned that at this time, I still believed in Santa Claus? I bought in to the whole story. It wasn’t until maybe the 6th grade where my belief was shattered by a boy by the name of Eric Landt. I felt stupid. So behind the times when everyone else seemed to know it was just a fairy tale. Everyone except me. Well, back to the Christmas at hand. As usual, on Christmas eve, us 4 kids pushed the boys 2 twin beds together and the 4 of us slept side by side in my brothers bedroom. It was one of the only traditions we ever had. We awoke in the darkness of a winter Christmas morning...all 4 of us scurrying to see what Santa had brought. Well, that year, I cannot remember what Santa brought, but i do remember opening a special gift mom had set aside for me....my red Nike waffle shoes. red with a white stripe. I was thrilled. I couldn’t believe she got them for me. I had no idea how she afforded it. I think this was about the time i began to believe in miracles and understood how much my mom loved me. We had nothing and yet, she gave me everything with that one gift. It wasn’t even about the shoes...but the fact that she knew i wanted those more than anything and made it happen. There was a miracle...on 465 W. Broadmoor Street.

Thursday Questions

Got this from

petal

with some editing...



Do you like your handwriting?

What is your favourite luncheon meat?

Would you bungee jump?

Do you keep a journal?

What is your favourite cereal?

Do you untie your shoes before you take them off?

Who do you miss the most?

If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?

First thing you notice about someone you are attracted to?

Do you wear contacts?

Last thing you ate?

What is your least favourite thing about yourself?

What's on your mousepad?

Favourite sounds?

The furthest you've been from home?

What is your special talent?